My Country

Today is not one of those that i feel like working. Actually, its really not one of the days that i feel like thinking or talking or feeling. Its one of those days when all i want to do is breathe, to focus on getting as much air as possible in and out of my lungs. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. But today, today all i want to do is breathe.

 

I am wearing the wrong vest underneath my jacket, it is the wrong vest becaue its is cream coloured and you can see right through it into my cream coloured Marks & Spencer bra. Concentrate on the fact that i highlighted the designer of my bra; my underwear, who no body really gives a care about. I did this just because i feel an innate need today to increase my self worth. I came to work with my neighbour as usual.Sitting right next to him as we sped past Lawanson and headed straight for the Island, we got into a discussion on my least favourite topic; my country; Nigeria.

 

The discussion centered around Affluence, The Nigerian government and Taxation. In his usual characteristic calm voice, he asks , "Onyi, if you were a Pastor, will you own a private jet?". Laughing out loud in my most no committal way i replied, "i don't know". A definite answer may have been easy to state for some people, but not for me. In my case, i have had the privilege of being on the good and not too good sides of life. I knew what it meant to be driven at the back of a taxi straight to work and back home and i knew the craziness of having to struggle for a bus to get to work and to get home in good enough time. It wasn't just the comfort of it, it was the filth around Mushin area of Lagos, the madness and recklessness at Oshodi, the filth and rudeness from conductors and commuters as a whole, the helplessness of squeezing into space that would cramp your back for a whole week and still having to keepcalm and maintain a serene front. I knew what it meant to want the finer things of life not because you feel the wealth was uncontainable but because, some place in your mind you feel that you have earned the right, to have those things.

 

My neighbour went on to explain the injustice of it, "Why should they own jets?" 'At the worst, they could charter a plane, but to buy a jet and maintain it at an unbelievable amount is the ultimate show of rude affluence".  What cut most about this was that these pastors amass wealth via the sweat of struggling people and the Nigerian government do not have that special knowledge to levy tax on this wealth. Is this me and everyone else who thinks same being jealous, i think not. What should be done must be done, after all, aren't we all equal anymore?

 

You make an income, not just peanuts, but a substantial chunk of money. It follows that you should give back to the society. Or what? Haven't they heard of "give Ceasar what belongs to Ceasar?" I once read that if your activities enables you derive an income in such a way as to constitute a trade or profession, then the profits are liable to tax. So you earn an income, why not pay tax? Why not contribute to the society instead of preach doomsday, doomsday, doomsday? I mean c'mon, even prostitutes pay tax in some countries. Yeah, i said so. Prostitutes pay tax, prostitutes pay tax in Germany, in Sweden, in Neatherland, those are the few i know. If those people could be taxed and even the lowliest of the society, why not u? Those prostitutes make an income and their profession is legal so they pay tax. If you amass billions every year from your church, it wont be asking too much that you give a fraction of it back to the society to improve it. You can't just preach this and that and show zilch committment to your state and country.

 

I am a Nigerian. I work for a Nigerian company. I have grown to love my work place but my least favorite topic still remains my country Nigeria. When i talk about my country and their too many issues, i feel helpless. I fail to understand why there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do which would revive Nigeria. I tell friends i'm apathetic to the political situation in Nigeria but the truth is that with each year that passes, i am older and the decadence in the country stares me right in the face and all i can do is turn the other way. Am i sick of this? Yes. Can i do something about it? Maybe. What can i do? I have no idea.

 

Friendship

Today is one of my good days of the week; Wednesday. There is really no particular reason why i have chosen this day as a good day but i know that Wednesday is always good day for me.

I am already at work feeling all bright despite the fact that the rain almost put a blur on my very bright day. So here i am reading an article written by my friend; Uzochukwu Odonwodo who i consider almost a competitor but who has so far been besting me in most things; the law, writing , reading, research, music, poetry, name it. So you can imagine the cause of my pensive mood and why my ever beautiful Wednesday is gradually waning. Uzo is one of those friends i attended the law school with and who always kept me on my toes. Talking to him was almost like chatting with the better side of me. He was one of those lawyers who was never stuffy and who never bore me. A liberal to the very core.

The best part of my day way back then was when i sat with him over his bottle of beer, i really can't remember his brand now but i strongly suspect it Star. So why he sipped his beer and i ate my very hot indomie in the very dark night, we had our fun gisting about all the books we have read in our life time. "Don't tell me you haven't read that Wole's book" he said, "Well, i really haven't" i piqued with my mouth blowing away all the steam from my hot plate of noodles and him trying to get in forkfuls after saying he wasn't interested. "I really do not think that Wole is as much of a genius as Achebe is" I said, "what he has going for him is that he is good, admittedly and then he is Yoruba"; a most influential tribe". When i say this, i know it has a tribalistic sound to it but that is honestly how i feel about it. Uzo loves Wole, he also loves Achebe, maybe because they are from the same tribe; Ibo, i wouldn't know what i however know is that for some reason, he can't seem to make up his mind on whom he loves most without feeling like he is disloyal to the other. I'm sure someday though he will.

Back to my fears, we were never in that unhealthy competition most friends indulge in, but he had his way of making me do my best, making want to be the best. Thinking back at those days makes me wonder whether i slacked off a bit when he decided to follow his dreams to Abuja. Makes me wonder whether i have been lazy, if i have slacked off so much that if i were to meet him tomorrow i would have no accomplishments to brag about, i wonder.

There were days back in Secondary School when each time i got into an exam hall, i picked out the best student in the class wherever she was, i did this with my eyes and then as i write, i ask myself, what else could there possibly be to this question and what could Chioma possibly be writing? Chioma wasn't a friend, she was just a competitor and she wasn't even aware of it. She gave me the drive i needed each time i got into any exam hall. We barley laughed together, all we did was sustain a conversation from time to time and move on. There are times i wonder what became of her, and then i remember, i read somewhere that she's married now, to a Yoruba guy in the states and then i wonder, did she fulfill all her dreams? Is she happy? Does she have any regrets?

I think about Uzo sometimes and i smile and smile, i smile at all our very lovely days back then. We did't date, it would have ruined the camaraderie we had. We did other things; we laughed, we had drinks together, we ate dinner, we listened to music, we talked about music, we talked about novels a whole lot, we saw movies together and patted each others back when exam wasn't so favorable. We had a great time.

Those days are gone. As the tide consistently changes in my life, i ask myself, what days am i in? Where will i eventually pitch my tent? Will i go on to do great things or will i just breeze through life without leaving a mark an imprint that 'i wuz ere'? And do you know that even as i write all this and tell you my fears, the clock keeps ticking...

Scared or happy?

I've been away for a while, a long while. I however do not feel the need to apologise to myself today. A lot has been going on with life and living lately. Frankly speaking, it feels somewhat like a year has gone by. I wish i know why i'm tired out all the time or feel like i'm just waking up from a dream and is forgetting certain details.

When things are  too right the dark side of me subconsciously waits for the other shoe to drop. I guess that's the stage i'm in right now. I've experienced indifference, concern, care, disbelief, excitement, love, , contentment, discontent, sadness, discourage, courage, strength, weakness, happiness all in one breath and in the space of so short a time it really feels like a year has gone by. Is the grass really greener on the other side? My honest answer will be, 'i really don't care anymore'. You are what you make of you and finally i have settled with content n learning to watch my life unravel itself right before my very eyes. Truth is, i have never really known how contribute much to it anyway.

I have a constant need to protect myself, to shield me from the very public eyes of other people. But let me do an expose today.*smiling now*(really dont know how to do much else when certain thoughts hit my mind). I always believed that after that one x-big love in one's  life they should settle for the second best that comes along and be content and think of other happy times with whatever  past big love if the present second best don't work out. I think i must have written this before, if not, then i must have talked about it with my friends a million times or havent i? *furrowing my brow all in a bid to remember). Well, suffice it to say that i believed wrong. Unusual things happen everyday, i can say that because they have happened around me, they have happened to me.


 Maybe i mentioned in a previous title that i was on the brink of a new love. Considered for a while if i should fall in before Cupid took the choice right out of my hands. The arrow must have sank in when i wasn't looking and i fell. I fell right into that pool of love and 'no', i am not struggling to get out. I am loving and savoring every moment of it and everyday i think to myself, it could only get better and not worse.  I say that like a mantra so that i do not forget and start waddling around like a duckling or moping around like a zombie and forget to enjoy and memorise all the great things that i love about him.


It's happiness from day to day and then, there are the days i just refuse to smile cause i can't help but think of how long it will last, how it will end, when it will end, if i will get hurt, if i will be ready for it and if i can be strong enough to pick good ol' me up and carry on like it was all nothing. There are days i dream and it's a beautiful dream and i'm laughing my head off and having a good hug and getting my hair all messed up and having the sun hit my face and hear the waves really loud even if i'm not close to an ocean.*weak smile*. And then, there are the days when i look into his eyes and i have a sad smile. "What are you smiling at dear?",he says, "At you", i respond weakly. I figure it's a good enough answer than saying, "Nothing". Those are the days when i know that even if i can't bear whatever hurt comes, i would still put on a sad smile but when asked what i'm smiling at, i will simply say, "Nothing", because by then, it really would be 'nothing', nothing but memories, sweet and beautiful ones. On the positive side, maybe it won't end anytime soon. I could place a bet on that and loose and yet again, I could place a bet on it and win. Such is life, we win some, we lose some.


If only we could look into the future and see what it holds for us, a lot of wrongs would have been made right. But hey, shake it off and have your great time while it lasts, as long as it lasts, i'm having my own good times now, I can only shake off my scared moments and pray it lasts a whole lot longer than i ever planned.


Pray with me.

Surprise

Hmm! "Surprise! Surprise!" That sound always leaves my heart mumbling out a faint "ooh ooh". Now don't get me wrong, it's not like i dont like surprises, i looove surprises. Especially when i know that the bearer of the surprise is by my standard, a reasonable mind. As much as i love surprises, i do not welcome all of them. This is to say that depending on the person in question, a surprise may be good thing about to happen or a disaster waiting to happen.

Let me give you an instance. I just logged into this blog site; my blog site, i felt i could just mope at it and pity myself at the lack of creativity, just to notice that there has been an upgrade of some sort which doesnt particularly indicate what exactly you want to do. It used to be 'new post' for when you want to post something new and now what you get is just a pen symbol;an orange pen.*rolling eyes*. How the heck am i supposed to know what that's for if not that i had initially glanced at some psychobabble they were writing before finally accessing my blog. It's no more the usual colourful display you see but just an assemble of grey, white and orange colours. What an odd combination. To tell you the truth, this is one of the reason why i stopped logging onto Facebook.

Facebook in the person of Mark Zuckerberg is constanly reinventing itself . I never knew that reinvention could be so irritating until i noticed that i log unto Facebook at all times with grave apprehension wondering what will change. I wonder with each click whether i can still be able to locate 'Remove friend',for nut heads i want to wipe off my list or 'untag' myself from a totally disgusting picture or just delete some crappy comment on my post. With each surprise i got when i logged on, i reduced my visits, until presently, i hardly even log on anymore. That's how messed up a surprise can be.

Dude shows up and you are all smiles cause you can vouch for him and whatever he has in stock for you can't be that bad. Some other dude shows up and you have to restrain yourself from saying, "Can you keep it a while, cause as you can see, I'm kinda on my way out". That's how different surprises can go.

Anyway, there are few times i have ever been pleasantly surprised. I hope that if you are also in the shoes of those of us with phobia for surprises, this year will be different and we will all have a multiplication of pleasant surprises in my life this year. Who knows, i may even surprise myself. Will let you know. *wink* 

Dang! I'm running out of steam. Its been a better morning than it has been for a while. Would love it more if i weren't so cold. 

Have fun y'all...

A new love

Even writing the title of today is a hard one. I had to stare at it for a bit, before i moved on and really, that's what life is all about; a bit of a pause and then you are off, else what you end up doing is killing valuable time.

The year has been lacking in inspiration, but nothing inspires a writer more than a new love. Happiness or worry is bound to well up within you at the thought of someone other than yourself. But eventually, as time passes, you get comfortable, you fall asleep with 'him' in your thoughts and wake up with 'him' in your mind.

Sometimes we worry that an old love maybe the last love so we shut down and just drift through life moping around like there won't ever be a change. An old love, had its problems, when we let a new love in, is with care of the mistakes of the past, with caution and with our eyes open.

What am i raving about? I think i'm on the verge of another big love. Yes. I think i am because with each step i take i worry and worry until i am doing more of worrying than just loving the moment. So i say to my friend; Ada, "what's the worst that can happen?" She said ,"Heartbreak". I think to myself and i say to her, "Well, you know what?" "Heartbreak never killed anyone i know". I'll live, no matter what happens. I mean its not i'm suicidal, so why the heck not.*smiling sheepishly*.

So here i am, luxuriating that i am one of those few people who experience a big  love, twice in one lifetime.

I can confidently say to you, "wait for it". I never did nothing to get another chance, i dont know whether heartbreak lies in store for me, what i do know is that, "it won't kill me" and for the time i have it, i am going to love every moment of it.

So sitting on my boring table, i'm nodding happily to Kelly Clarksons song; "What doesnt kill you makes you stronger".

Its been a cold morning but i hardly feel the cold because of the pleasant warmth within me.

NO TITLE TODAY

Am getting angry all the time now and pissed off too. It's almost like i don't just want to know what is up around me anymore. You see, asides from the monthly pay check that comes in which is the only thing that makes it feel like i am an adult, nothing much is different. I don't think i have increased freedom at home, I got a query from my dad yesterday for wanting to go see a friend in broad day light. Imagine that! I am MISERABLE.

My misery makes me feel a vindictive need to make everyone's life just so; just like mine. I am selfish, yes i know. That's no news. You can ask my friend Ada, she'll tell u all about it. She never lets a day pass without telling me how thoroughly annoying i am.

Then there's the added fact that i feel like crap because everyone around me seems to either be getting married or planing to. It's not funny anymore. I mean, C'mon! Come on!! Where do friends from yester years get off being all grown up and getting married and having kids. Geez! Having kids. There are days when i hear news and it's not like am not happy for the chic, just that i feel an intense need to pull my hair out as i paste the fake smile on and say to my inner most self, "Why not me!" Just to have something going on for once.

Relationships have lost its charm. It's almost like psychobabble when some guy is trying to chat me up. Wake up already! People are getting married and you are wanting a relationship? Why the heck would i want that? Yeah, I said that. I mean, I've been there already right? So it's either i like you or i don't. No need for the hypocritical "lets-get-to-know-each-other" when he knows all he wants to do is get laid. I mean like seriously, let's be honest here.

At my stage, I shouldn't be looking for some sweet drawn out romance like way back in college. I should be looking at the bigger picture. You meet someone, you either like him enough to marry him or you don't. It's as simple as that. If it's more complex than i have already stated, then please enlighten me.

My 20's hasn't been all i hoped and dreamed it would be, i am seriously tempted to think it's worse than my teen years. Everything is so slow and achievements come in very limited and stingy bouts. I used to think that my 20's would be my "OH! so wow days!". Guess what? I was wrong,it's not, and i am so freaking disappointed. Freakingly so!!! I am mad, it's not fun, I am mad I'm still staying at home, I am mad all my friends live in various parts of the world and we hardly get together for a thing as simple as a drink. I am Mad! Mad! Mad!!! 

I guess the only swell thing about my life right now is that i shop when i want to and don't need to go a borrowing for it thank God. Asides that, my 20's have been a serious annoying bummer thus far. Asides from a few things i can tick off on one hand, nothing else has gone the way i want.

Let's just hope my luck changes soon, else i am going to drown you with my whinings and groanings. Oh! How i hate whiners! Does that mean i am going to hate me soon?

Life is so simple. Why the heck do people look for ways to complicate it every single time? Why am i getting probabilities instead of certainties? Why does it feel like i'm not that fly anymore? Why are there so many question marks around me right now. I need more of answers today, more of them, no more why's.

Thank God this day is over. This is officially that Monday when i wake up and just wish it wasn't a Monday and at the end of the day, i wish my wish came true...

  

Ashamed

As ashamed as i am to say this, truth is, i lost my inspiration. Hmm... There it is, out in the open. I finally said it and i didn't gag on it or drop dead. I actually feel better saying it or in this case, writing it. So let me do it again, "I lost my inspiration!!!" But do take note that the prior statement is in the past. At least i think so.

Since the last time i put pen to paper, a lot has happened. A lot that i have failed to put down, and so the moment was lost. I owe no apologies to anyone but to myself so i guess i can just give myself a pat on the back and go on like it was no big deal after all, like the ideas are still lying dormant somewhere and would be recovered. I don't know about that but we would see as the minutes rolls into hours and the hours gradually culminate in a whole day.

The weeks gone by have been fun. Yeah, it has been filled with various types of up and down moments but thankfully, i have remained on top. One thing i noticed during my time out however is that it seems like am having difficulty retaining as much as i used to way back when, i hope that won't go on for much longer though as i still have loads to achieve with this good head on my shoulders.lol.

I might not have that much to write today but, any writing is better than no writing at all. Someone said that, i just cant remember who.

Thanksgiving

This holiday has been great.


This holiday, my sister bought a purse for my cousin; lets say her name is X. She buys her stuff every holiday and gives it to her. X always collects these gift every holiday and comes back the next day with a complain.


This hols, my sister got X a denim purse. X got the purse but as usual forgot to say thank u right away. She just smiled and kept on looking at it. My sister I tell u wasn't too happy with this and made her grievance well known too me, too well if I might add.


X came to our house the next day as expected and said to my sister, 'Uzo, I like the purse you bought me, but when you're coming back next year, buy me a bag'. When my sis told me what happened, I was so furious, though we kept on laughing at her manifest ingratitude.


Am reflecting now, and it just hit me how like Anuli I am, how like Anuli most of us are. I just dint realise it, until now.


Now why would I say this? Well, you see, I'm a lucky chap. Always have been, always will be, you can ask my friends.*smug look*. Asides from very few unfortunate events in my life, I can say that I'm one of those people good things just happen to without stress. When I say good things, you are free to name it and of course you are free to doubt me but so far, I can categorically say, life has been good to me or is it the Universe or is it God?


Anyway, i have gotten so used to this unmerited fortune of mine, I barely pause to say thanks to God whom I suspect has made it so.


You see, I am not an overly religious person, but I know what should be and what shouldn't and when I hit d spiritual button, I practically drown God with my wants.


Yeah, I do. Am so ashamed to say it, but its true. Those times, my prayer would revolve around all that I want that would make my life more perfect than it already is and all that I think my family and my friends would want. My 'want prayer' could go on for minutes and run into an hour, hey, sometimes two hours ,yeah, seriously. When I get whatever I want, I just go on and ask for more and more and more.


Geez! I've been terrible. I see that now. Anuli made me see it.*sad face*


Its so difficult appreciating the source of a gift we get especially when we get gift(s) we haven't asked for.

Take a moment today and appreciate every single thing that you have that you never really asked for and then those that you have that you asked for.


Why u say? Well, let's just say, its a guarantee you'll get more.*insert big toothed grin*


You know why I say so? My sister has a kind and giving heart, and if only X had been more appreciative, she was sure to have gotten something fancier in the coming holiday. As it is, I don't think she's getting nothing. That I concluded from my sisters cunny laugh and colorful complaint moments after.


Well, I give thanks God I ain't like my sister, I'd have hit stagnant with my fine luck long time ago. But, hey God, I learnt my lesson. I really am more grateful than anyone can imagine for every little thing.

And let's hope X doesn't pay me an unannounced 'before-the-holiday' visit. That would mean a premature end to my rambings on this blog.


It's gonna be a great year. *dancing bogey.*

This new year

Its been a while I wrote anything. I know and for that, I apologize to no one in particular since I'm sure no one is reading my blog with that much interest yet.

Well, this new year certainly feels good. I feel like it bodes well for me in so many ways I just can't place a finger yet on what the euphoria is about but I'm sure that I would in due time. Of course I think I felt like this last year and all that but, I am a really optimistic person and just because last year didn't turn exactly the way I wanted doesn't mean I should stop hoping.

Moving on, I have a lot of hopes this year as I do every new year. Sometimes, I really wish I could just stop hoping for one thing or another but I just can't stop. A new year means i'm getting older and it never feels good when I think about it like that. So, I think about it in terms of, that i'm wiser, just that, nothing else.

And really, that's the truth. Since I haven't started feeling any major reflections of age, I like to believe that i'm much more wiser than I was in the past year and most times, I usually am.

Am still on holidays of course and loving every single moment of it. My only regret is that I have few days more left and I just don't want it to end. But hey, it has to.

So shake yourself up and know that there are only so much breaks in life. Some long, some short and at times, there are occasions where there are no breaks at all.

Let's hope that this year, when things get a bit rough cause it always will, we would be in the league of those, who get breaks, be it a long one or a short one. Let's hope not to be swamped so much that we can't get any break at all. Because the thing is, we need those breaks to keep us moving.

Hmm, looking at this now, I hope I don't sound odd asking that we take breaks so early in the year. If I do, well, odd is good. Isn't it? Well, err, sometimes...

Happy new year folks...