I've been away for a while, a long while. I however do not feel the need to apologise to myself today. A lot has been going on with life and living lately. Frankly speaking, it feels somewhat like a year has gone by. I wish i know why i'm tired out all the time or feel like i'm just waking up from a dream and is forgetting certain details.
When things are too right the dark side of me subconsciously waits for the other shoe to drop. I guess that's the stage i'm in right now. I've experienced indifference, concern, care, disbelief, excitement, love, , contentment, discontent, sadness, discourage, courage, strength, weakness, happiness all in one breath and in the space of so short a time it really feels like a year has gone by. Is the grass really greener on the other side? My honest answer will be, 'i really don't care anymore'. You are what you make of you and finally i have settled with content n learning to watch my life unravel itself right before my very eyes. Truth is, i have never really known how contribute much to it anyway.
I have a constant need to protect myself, to shield me from the very public eyes of other people. But let me do an expose today.*smiling now*(really dont know how to do much else when certain thoughts hit my mind). I always believed that after that one x-big love in one's life they should settle for the second best that comes along and be content and think of other happy times with whatever past big love if the present second best don't work out. I think i must have written this before, if not, then i must have talked about it with my friends a million times or havent i? *furrowing my brow all in a bid to remember). Well, suffice it to say that i believed wrong. Unusual things happen everyday, i can say that because they have happened around me, they have happened to me.
Maybe i mentioned in a previous title that i was on the brink of a new love. Considered for a while if i should fall in before Cupid took the choice right out of my hands. The arrow must have sank in when i wasn't looking and i fell. I fell right into that pool of love and 'no', i am not struggling to get out. I am loving and savoring every moment of it and everyday i think to myself, it could only get better and not worse. I say that like a mantra so that i do not forget and start waddling around like a duckling or moping around like a zombie and forget to enjoy and memorise all the great things that i love about him.
It's happiness from day to day and then, there are the days i just refuse to smile cause i can't help but think of how long it will last, how it will end, when it will end, if i will get hurt, if i will be ready for it and if i can be strong enough to pick good ol' me up and carry on like it was all nothing. There are days i dream and it's a beautiful dream and i'm laughing my head off and having a good hug and getting my hair all messed up and having the sun hit my face and hear the waves really loud even if i'm not close to an ocean.*weak smile*. And then, there are the days when i look into his eyes and i have a sad smile. "What are you smiling at dear?",he says, "At you", i respond weakly. I figure it's a good enough answer than saying, "Nothing". Those are the days when i know that even if i can't bear whatever hurt comes, i would still put on a sad smile but when asked what i'm smiling at, i will simply say, "Nothing", because by then, it really would be 'nothing', nothing but memories, sweet and beautiful ones. On the positive side, maybe it won't end anytime soon. I could place a bet on that and loose and yet again, I could place a bet on it and win. Such is life, we win some, we lose some.
If only we could look into the future and see what it holds for us, a lot of wrongs would have been made right. But hey, shake it off and have your great time while it lasts, as long as it lasts, i'm having my own good times now, I can only shake off my scared moments and pray it lasts a whole lot longer than i ever planned.
Pray with me.
Maybe i mentioned in a previous title that i was on the brink of a new love. Considered for a while if i should fall in before Cupid took the choice right out of my hands. The arrow must have sank in when i wasn't looking and i fell. I fell right into that pool of love and 'no', i am not struggling to get out. I am loving and savoring every moment of it and everyday i think to myself, it could only get better and not worse. I say that like a mantra so that i do not forget and start waddling around like a duckling or moping around like a zombie and forget to enjoy and memorise all the great things that i love about him.
It's happiness from day to day and then, there are the days i just refuse to smile cause i can't help but think of how long it will last, how it will end, when it will end, if i will get hurt, if i will be ready for it and if i can be strong enough to pick good ol' me up and carry on like it was all nothing. There are days i dream and it's a beautiful dream and i'm laughing my head off and having a good hug and getting my hair all messed up and having the sun hit my face and hear the waves really loud even if i'm not close to an ocean.*weak smile*. And then, there are the days when i look into his eyes and i have a sad smile. "What are you smiling at dear?",he says, "At you", i respond weakly. I figure it's a good enough answer than saying, "Nothing". Those are the days when i know that even if i can't bear whatever hurt comes, i would still put on a sad smile but when asked what i'm smiling at, i will simply say, "Nothing", because by then, it really would be 'nothing', nothing but memories, sweet and beautiful ones. On the positive side, maybe it won't end anytime soon. I could place a bet on that and loose and yet again, I could place a bet on it and win. Such is life, we win some, we lose some.
If only we could look into the future and see what it holds for us, a lot of wrongs would have been made right. But hey, shake it off and have your great time while it lasts, as long as it lasts, i'm having my own good times now, I can only shake off my scared moments and pray it lasts a whole lot longer than i ever planned.
Pray with me.
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