How not to cheat on your husband

 Ok ladies, I'm going to write this down very quickly before i call it a night or is it a morning? It's past 12 a.m here. Happy Independence Nigerians.

Uhmm, how not to cheat on your husbands for ladies, umm, well, i say for ladies because well, i haven't started factoring in the men who are marrying themselves and of course referring to themselves as husbands.

Ok ok,before i veer off, back to my topic. Simple rules not to cheat on your husband.

 1.Cut all ties with your ex(s)
 2.Cut all ties with your ex(s)
 3.Avoid new relationships with the guys 
 4.Refer to one and two above.

I'm dead serious ladies. The easiest way to cheat on your spouse is to maintain a funny relationship with your ex. You know the one where you guys want to still keep in touch and remain chummy best friends and all. News flash! Humans have not evolved to that  level of nobility just yet. So don't bother sweating it. 

In  my very short  sojourn in marriage, i am slowly learning that marriage is filled with lots of candies and kolas. Sometimes you get tossed the kolas, other times, the sweet, yummy candies. If you've made the right choice, many times you'll get the candies. But in the times when you are chewing those bitter kolas, keep your ex(s) away from the scene to avoid exacerbating matters.This is to me the golden rule. Yes, women are less prone to cheat in marriage, but still yet we do. And slowly but very certainly we are having bolder men who do not give a flying twig about your good ol' hubby. They want to plunder, they want to plunder, period. Worse off are the very cast off ex(s), who always feel they still have a claim.

Ladies, when you have shoved him off and taken your own sweet vows with your one true love, please allow him to remain in the past. Do not invite him to your wedding, do not name your first child after him (please don't do that), do not call him up, do not attempt to be unusually cordial. Just revert to acquaintance mode, if there's anything like that. For me, there is. You know i read somewhere that a Sagittarius has a life delete button in real life. Well, I am a Sagittarius through and through and I would very much like to affirm to this statement. We do have a life delete button. I'm sure certain people who have been recipients in the past can attest to this.Please structure your own delete button for your ex(s).

I am not recommending a hate spree. Nope, i will never do that. I will not ask that you give your ex the cut when there is a chance meeting, that would be rude. I will however recommend that you act and remain civil. There is no need for that private albeit promised harmless lunch. If you must speak about the weather, do so in public. Nod and smile when ex makes statements that imply he was a fool to let you go. Please do not disagree. That would bring room for further discussion. Just acquiesce and end discussions as fast as possible.

Please do not attempt to get too chummy with some new, nice,helpful, good looking male either. Look at them, appreciate and keep moving. Please do not keep looking at them, else new trouble walks in.

An ex relationship to you is a thin line, danger zone, ticking time bomb,you do not want to walk that lane. Cut him off like a surgeon would a bad leg. Move on from there and keep moving unless of course your intention is to cheat on your husband in which case of course you may have to search for another write up on the web for that topic. I'm sure someone would probably have written on this. 

Umm, having said that, i hope the guys do not ask me for how not cheat on their wives. Because to that question, i would say, i will let you know when i find out.*whistling and walking away*.

Finally,yesterday was my 1 month anniversary with my lovely boo for life.I've been lost a while darling, thank God you found me and thank you for all the many candies. You've been sweet.*blushing now*

Cheers guys and once again, Happy Independence.

My Powerpoint Presentation...

I spend a lot of my time reciting in my head what i want to say to you. I guess i do this cos' i feel that somewhere deep down, i would actually get to say them all. It makes sense to me. I'm thinking to myself, Damn! you can come up with all this?, you should be a writer. You would totally rock. But then again, i can't b a writer just yet, i'm too lazy...

Yeah, the conversations i have with you in my head are too good. In them my points are accurately presented and you are sitting still in between an empty row of seats with the cinema lights on and wondering at this amazing creature and what planet she's from. I guess i'm from Venus, at least that's what that book i once read said. It told me the planet i  am from and i saved it away somewhere in my brain waiting for the day when someone like you would ask or look at me in amazement wondering where i am from. Then i would put on my killer-smart-ass smile and say, "From Venus Baby".*wink*.

Anyways, back to the matter, I do a lot of Power point presentation in my head so that i remember all i want to say before you show up and befuddle me with your presence. Once the presentation is done in my head, then i wait for  you to show up. No, i do not alert you that there would be a presentation, you would end up coming in late and that would mean adding other things to the slides impromptu and then the presentation would not flow easily cos' i didn't rehearse it. 

So, i comport and wait, giving nothing away, until you show up of cos...and then i go, "hi dear. How was your day? What was for lunch? and after all your replies ...silence...silence...." This is the point where you say,"So what's up? How are you?" and then i introduce my presentation with, "I'm not fine..." and then you get the knowing look of "oh my! here we go...again" and that pinched smile and false interest look and i tell you everything you should have done and didn't do and when I'm exhausted, you let me put my head on your leg look up at you with a slightly opened eye and say,"that's what you did. Is it fair?" and then i sleep off, soundly. I will conclude my presentation when i wake up...I intend to conclude...for now, just let me lay here...in you lap, with your hands slightly hovering and the memory of your confused look wondering whether the presentation is over and if stroking my hair will wake me from my temporary break...

FOE OR FRIEND?

Its a cool sad day when you think about friends, then foe, then friends again and you wonder which is which. Where is the distinction? Where do you draw the line between a friend and a colleague? A family member and a friend? What is the extent or limit of what i tell you and what i keep to myself.

Thus is my predicament as this beautiful week draws to an end. In my very short while working in this beautiful city of Lagos, I have come to understand that not all that glitters is gold, literally. I have made friends i wished i could keep and then i wish i never met them. I have also made friends who even though they have stabbed me in the back repeatedly, something about me still keeps loving them and holding them close and believing that the backstabbing aspect of their life is simply their nature coming into play and not just that they set out to hurt me. I do not want to believe that they  would on their own set out to hurt me because then, i would be forced to hurt them back or something close. Maybe i would be forced to give them the biggest cut of their life, lets say totally ignoring them in public when they say hi to me or try to make friendly conversation.

Anyway, Joe told me lately that my friends are different from my colleagues. Joe is a friend, you will get to know him. He advised that i draw a very visible line between both. He was right. The dictionary would define a colleague as a person with whom one works in a profession or business. She could be called a workmate, a teammate, co-worker, associate, partner, colloborator. I must say that it never mentioned my colleague as my friend. Why i have this desperate need to merge both into one and the same is still beyond me.

However, in time, i have learnt that no matter how much you want to call a colleague a friend, she remains that; a colleague; someone who you are in constant corporate competition with, she aims to better than you, to be more favored than you, to earn more than you, to be looked on in better light than you, and believe it, to have a better life than you. A shame if you had though to look upon them as friends but true nonetheless. Maybe in my own little world, this is what i have come upon as a conclusion, mayhaps it is different in other worlds, i couldn't possibly say, given that my experience is only limited to disappointments in the form of colleagues who are rumor mongers, gossip peddlers, back stabbing thingies. It's almost like your misfortune makes their lives a whole lot better and gives their existence more meaning. Sometimes, i don't mind the rumors so much, just when that when they hurt,there is that momentary pause and then you remember, "oh, i forgot, not a friend, just a colleague".

There has been one exception though. Or maybe i'm wrong. I'm still watching, though in utter disbelief still. lol. Maybe this is just that part of me that can't get why both can't be merged into one, still trying hard to lump both together, my colleague that she is and the friend she keeps proving herself to be. Though in fairness to my colleagues, it's hard work to be finally penciled a friend by me.

Has it been different for you? Have your colleagues turned out to be a friend or more than a friend?

Ps: TGIFriiiiiiday!!!A bit below the weather, but still can't wait.

J

Dear Future Husband,

 

There's been soo much on my mind lately and i'm wishing you were here to help me sieve through them and sort them all out. I read that book; Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. They tell me that you will be good at solving my problems because you are from Mars. I do not know how that is or what that means, but i hope you are good enough to be able to provide solutions to my ever wondering mind.

 

I hope you are smart enough to know that i say the toughest things when im a softie inside, I hope you are smart enough to take my meaningful advices cos i give good advices when the issue doesnt concern me.

 

Chima says to warn you that i can be difficult. Chima is my brother,you will get to know him in time. I hope you are not so wimpy that you will shy away once you perceive that i can be quite a stickler for certain things like ensuring there are no remnant soap studs on the floor after bathing or that you don't leave wet towels on the bed cos they irritate me.

 

There are soo many things i want you to know about me and i guess thats why i'm still single. I want to take my time and be sure that i have those teeny weeny butterflies in my tummy when you hold my hands or when you catch my eyes in one of those very rowdy parties that we will eventually be attending as a couple.

 

I want you to know that i always want you to hold my hand. I sometimes wonder if something is wrong with me...Is there something they call that? Am i a   hand fetish? Its almost like i expect to feel a love current when you hold my hand. Mayhaps thats why i keep insisting on a guy that knows to hold my hand, always, always asides from when he is changing gears, lol. We should get an automatic car as well. That way you wouldn't have to change gears so much. My hands will always be warm enclosed in yours, not like how they feel right now as i punch these keyboard and refrain from using all my fingers 'cos they are frozen like little icicles.

 

I want you to know that i do good in the kitchen but do not want    to feel like cooking defines my womanhood. So therefore, i wouldnt want the regular demands and authoritative requests for food like my dad does with my mum.Let's hope he doesn't see this. J  Fortunately,  my mum is the traditional woman and doesnt mind soo much as she feels that is what is expected of her.

 

I want you to be a Catholic, Ibo man because i do not want to have to adjust to a new 'Bible Believing Church', fast 40 or 100 days a year or any of those unbelievable Christian God-knows-where-the-hell from demands these churches make on we Christians. Then i want you to be Ibo cos as exposed as my mind is, and as Western as i may want to believe i am, i feel the need to connect with the man i love in my local dialect.

 

Dear Future husband, I do not want to be head of the family.My neck would hurt too much and God did not intend that i do that. I want you to be the head so i pray every day that your job be soo great you won't care what i earn. That's not to say i would ask you for money when i want to surprise you or buy you stuff for you birthdays or just for the heck of it.lol..

 

I want you to love me. I know that is quite rare these days but i have never been known for wanting the easy and cheap stuff, you would get to know that eventually. I want to feel your love when you reach for my hand, when you pull my zipper up because i can't reach behind my dress to do it myself. I want to feel it burn through my cheek when you peck me, just there. I am not sure i still like being kissed on the forehead anymore. Most guys do that a lot now because of all those yada-yada they do in movies and tell all the boys our secrets and what we love. Now, any guy would just walk up to you and in 5 mins he would want to be bluberring your forehead with kisses. Hmm... Lets reserve the forehead kisses for the night time. Yes, I think i will like that...

 

I want soo many things. I want honesty from you before and after we tie his huge knot, I want fidelity, i want your respect, for me and for my family and i want your chest to lie on every nite when i go to bed. Kindly turn down all jobs that require you work nights. The only tolerable absence will be when you absolutely have to travel.

 

One other thing dearest, i wil love you like i have never loved anybody in the 2 decades and some figures of my life.

 

See you soon.

 

Sincerely,

 

...

MY VIEW

It took me ages to get onto this blog today. For some reason i had logged on an alternative e-mail address and i lost my admin rights when i din't log on with the old one. Wheewh! i was almost jogging on home but the thought of loosing ownership over this, simply undo-able.

Okay, so here i am, doing a lazy job of penning down something today. I woke up this morning tired out, so tired that if i were working in a pretty liberal firm, i would have just called in sick and resigned to bed.But...i couldn't, i did a few more naps and dashed out of bed some minutes before 7.00a.m

I had watched this really fabulous movie the night before, what was the title again..."The Butler" Fab...Fab...Fabulous movie. Damn! Way better than "The Wolf of Wall Street" that was all the rave. But then that is my humble opinion.J In this movie, Oprah... Yeah! Oprah Winfrey that you and i and the rest of the world know was in the movie. Crazy right? I thought so too. I mean at a moment i had to ask for confirmation to be sure she was the one i was seeing. Anyway, she really really knows how to do her thing and other things if i might add. lol...You should see the movie. Anyways,i'm digressing. My topic is "MY VIEW". The Butler kept me up late at night and i woke real late as a result and still drowsy.

I'm taking a bath and i'm thinking to myself...What a story! Yeah? 'Cos i mean the racism way back then in the Unites States of America, i can only relate to it on a certain level. Way different from the way a Forest Whitaker of back then would relate to it. So i'm thinking and comparing, in my head of course and while the bath was still on going, i'm thinking about Chinua Achebe's There was a Country and Chimamanda Adichie's Half of a Yellow Sun. One story, two authors, different times, different eye view. The 83 year old Achebe told a Biafran story in the most vivid way possible, for him it was not a tale, it was yesterday, it was an event in which he lived and which he was a part of. It was impossible to dissociate the author from the event, the story to me was like a flash back. I didnt find it enjoying, i found it pensive and sad, just like Achebe must have all the years he put into writing the story. Adichie, the lady after my mind, told a tale with finesse and she captured it. She made it entertaining for us all and she gave those of us who didnt really know what happened an insight. The Biafran story is a beautiful historical story. It is something in history worth knowing. A story about when Nigerians had balls to fight for things they believed in, not anymore though. It was a time that all pray never repeats itself, at least not in their lifetime.

Did Achebe do justice to the Biafran story, he did, but it was such a sad story i never finished reading the book...L Though i hope to someday, at least, to pay my respects to the great writer that once lived among us. Chimamanda made me hug my hard covered book and thank God i bought it when the news of the book was just a buzz. But then, I've been biased about that lady since i read "The thing around your neck" since she wont let me into her Farafina training for writers which i have only tried out for once, but ever so more, since her talk on "We should all be Feminists". I could go on, but my blogging today is not about Chimamanda, its about our view of life.

Your view and mine and the world's will always always be different.They will always differ and such is life. That difference is what makes each person different from the other,its what makes them interesting, its what makes them worth spending your time on and we may try to change it, but eventually each individuals view solidifies and makes him who he is.At least, that is what i have learnt and that is why i have ended up with diverse friends and frenemies and foes...