Friendship

Today is one of my good days of the week; Wednesday. There is really no particular reason why i have chosen this day as a good day but i know that Wednesday is always good day for me.

I am already at work feeling all bright despite the fact that the rain almost put a blur on my very bright day. So here i am reading an article written by my friend; Uzochukwu Odonwodo who i consider almost a competitor but who has so far been besting me in most things; the law, writing , reading, research, music, poetry, name it. So you can imagine the cause of my pensive mood and why my ever beautiful Wednesday is gradually waning. Uzo is one of those friends i attended the law school with and who always kept me on my toes. Talking to him was almost like chatting with the better side of me. He was one of those lawyers who was never stuffy and who never bore me. A liberal to the very core.

The best part of my day way back then was when i sat with him over his bottle of beer, i really can't remember his brand now but i strongly suspect it Star. So why he sipped his beer and i ate my very hot indomie in the very dark night, we had our fun gisting about all the books we have read in our life time. "Don't tell me you haven't read that Wole's book" he said, "Well, i really haven't" i piqued with my mouth blowing away all the steam from my hot plate of noodles and him trying to get in forkfuls after saying he wasn't interested. "I really do not think that Wole is as much of a genius as Achebe is" I said, "what he has going for him is that he is good, admittedly and then he is Yoruba"; a most influential tribe". When i say this, i know it has a tribalistic sound to it but that is honestly how i feel about it. Uzo loves Wole, he also loves Achebe, maybe because they are from the same tribe; Ibo, i wouldn't know what i however know is that for some reason, he can't seem to make up his mind on whom he loves most without feeling like he is disloyal to the other. I'm sure someday though he will.

Back to my fears, we were never in that unhealthy competition most friends indulge in, but he had his way of making me do my best, making want to be the best. Thinking back at those days makes me wonder whether i slacked off a bit when he decided to follow his dreams to Abuja. Makes me wonder whether i have been lazy, if i have slacked off so much that if i were to meet him tomorrow i would have no accomplishments to brag about, i wonder.

There were days back in Secondary School when each time i got into an exam hall, i picked out the best student in the class wherever she was, i did this with my eyes and then as i write, i ask myself, what else could there possibly be to this question and what could Chioma possibly be writing? Chioma wasn't a friend, she was just a competitor and she wasn't even aware of it. She gave me the drive i needed each time i got into any exam hall. We barley laughed together, all we did was sustain a conversation from time to time and move on. There are times i wonder what became of her, and then i remember, i read somewhere that she's married now, to a Yoruba guy in the states and then i wonder, did she fulfill all her dreams? Is she happy? Does she have any regrets?

I think about Uzo sometimes and i smile and smile, i smile at all our very lovely days back then. We did't date, it would have ruined the camaraderie we had. We did other things; we laughed, we had drinks together, we ate dinner, we listened to music, we talked about music, we talked about novels a whole lot, we saw movies together and patted each others back when exam wasn't so favorable. We had a great time.

Those days are gone. As the tide consistently changes in my life, i ask myself, what days am i in? Where will i eventually pitch my tent? Will i go on to do great things or will i just breeze through life without leaving a mark an imprint that 'i wuz ere'? And do you know that even as i write all this and tell you my fears, the clock keeps ticking...

Scared or happy?

I've been away for a while, a long while. I however do not feel the need to apologise to myself today. A lot has been going on with life and living lately. Frankly speaking, it feels somewhat like a year has gone by. I wish i know why i'm tired out all the time or feel like i'm just waking up from a dream and is forgetting certain details.

When things are  too right the dark side of me subconsciously waits for the other shoe to drop. I guess that's the stage i'm in right now. I've experienced indifference, concern, care, disbelief, excitement, love, , contentment, discontent, sadness, discourage, courage, strength, weakness, happiness all in one breath and in the space of so short a time it really feels like a year has gone by. Is the grass really greener on the other side? My honest answer will be, 'i really don't care anymore'. You are what you make of you and finally i have settled with content n learning to watch my life unravel itself right before my very eyes. Truth is, i have never really known how contribute much to it anyway.

I have a constant need to protect myself, to shield me from the very public eyes of other people. But let me do an expose today.*smiling now*(really dont know how to do much else when certain thoughts hit my mind). I always believed that after that one x-big love in one's  life they should settle for the second best that comes along and be content and think of other happy times with whatever  past big love if the present second best don't work out. I think i must have written this before, if not, then i must have talked about it with my friends a million times or havent i? *furrowing my brow all in a bid to remember). Well, suffice it to say that i believed wrong. Unusual things happen everyday, i can say that because they have happened around me, they have happened to me.


 Maybe i mentioned in a previous title that i was on the brink of a new love. Considered for a while if i should fall in before Cupid took the choice right out of my hands. The arrow must have sank in when i wasn't looking and i fell. I fell right into that pool of love and 'no', i am not struggling to get out. I am loving and savoring every moment of it and everyday i think to myself, it could only get better and not worse.  I say that like a mantra so that i do not forget and start waddling around like a duckling or moping around like a zombie and forget to enjoy and memorise all the great things that i love about him.


It's happiness from day to day and then, there are the days i just refuse to smile cause i can't help but think of how long it will last, how it will end, when it will end, if i will get hurt, if i will be ready for it and if i can be strong enough to pick good ol' me up and carry on like it was all nothing. There are days i dream and it's a beautiful dream and i'm laughing my head off and having a good hug and getting my hair all messed up and having the sun hit my face and hear the waves really loud even if i'm not close to an ocean.*weak smile*. And then, there are the days when i look into his eyes and i have a sad smile. "What are you smiling at dear?",he says, "At you", i respond weakly. I figure it's a good enough answer than saying, "Nothing". Those are the days when i know that even if i can't bear whatever hurt comes, i would still put on a sad smile but when asked what i'm smiling at, i will simply say, "Nothing", because by then, it really would be 'nothing', nothing but memories, sweet and beautiful ones. On the positive side, maybe it won't end anytime soon. I could place a bet on that and loose and yet again, I could place a bet on it and win. Such is life, we win some, we lose some.


If only we could look into the future and see what it holds for us, a lot of wrongs would have been made right. But hey, shake it off and have your great time while it lasts, as long as it lasts, i'm having my own good times now, I can only shake off my scared moments and pray it lasts a whole lot longer than i ever planned.


Pray with me.