MY VIEW

It took me ages to get onto this blog today. For some reason i had logged on an alternative e-mail address and i lost my admin rights when i din't log on with the old one. Wheewh! i was almost jogging on home but the thought of loosing ownership over this, simply undo-able.

Okay, so here i am, doing a lazy job of penning down something today. I woke up this morning tired out, so tired that if i were working in a pretty liberal firm, i would have just called in sick and resigned to bed.But...i couldn't, i did a few more naps and dashed out of bed some minutes before 7.00a.m

I had watched this really fabulous movie the night before, what was the title again..."The Butler" Fab...Fab...Fabulous movie. Damn! Way better than "The Wolf of Wall Street" that was all the rave. But then that is my humble opinion.J In this movie, Oprah... Yeah! Oprah Winfrey that you and i and the rest of the world know was in the movie. Crazy right? I thought so too. I mean at a moment i had to ask for confirmation to be sure she was the one i was seeing. Anyway, she really really knows how to do her thing and other things if i might add. lol...You should see the movie. Anyways,i'm digressing. My topic is "MY VIEW". The Butler kept me up late at night and i woke real late as a result and still drowsy.

I'm taking a bath and i'm thinking to myself...What a story! Yeah? 'Cos i mean the racism way back then in the Unites States of America, i can only relate to it on a certain level. Way different from the way a Forest Whitaker of back then would relate to it. So i'm thinking and comparing, in my head of course and while the bath was still on going, i'm thinking about Chinua Achebe's There was a Country and Chimamanda Adichie's Half of a Yellow Sun. One story, two authors, different times, different eye view. The 83 year old Achebe told a Biafran story in the most vivid way possible, for him it was not a tale, it was yesterday, it was an event in which he lived and which he was a part of. It was impossible to dissociate the author from the event, the story to me was like a flash back. I didnt find it enjoying, i found it pensive and sad, just like Achebe must have all the years he put into writing the story. Adichie, the lady after my mind, told a tale with finesse and she captured it. She made it entertaining for us all and she gave those of us who didnt really know what happened an insight. The Biafran story is a beautiful historical story. It is something in history worth knowing. A story about when Nigerians had balls to fight for things they believed in, not anymore though. It was a time that all pray never repeats itself, at least not in their lifetime.

Did Achebe do justice to the Biafran story, he did, but it was such a sad story i never finished reading the book...L Though i hope to someday, at least, to pay my respects to the great writer that once lived among us. Chimamanda made me hug my hard covered book and thank God i bought it when the news of the book was just a buzz. But then, I've been biased about that lady since i read "The thing around your neck" since she wont let me into her Farafina training for writers which i have only tried out for once, but ever so more, since her talk on "We should all be Feminists". I could go on, but my blogging today is not about Chimamanda, its about our view of life.

Your view and mine and the world's will always always be different.They will always differ and such is life. That difference is what makes each person different from the other,its what makes them interesting, its what makes them worth spending your time on and we may try to change it, but eventually each individuals view solidifies and makes him who he is.At least, that is what i have learnt and that is why i have ended up with diverse friends and frenemies and foes...

THE PROMISE

It wasn't so much the negative response that got Isioma looking wide eyed and mouth shut at Jide.It was the inconceivability of it all. She had never been turned down by a man, never in all her 26 years.Though of course she had never had course to put herself out there

 

"C'mon Jide, it's just a kiss". "Well, it's a kiss i'm not willing to give" Jide replied. Isioma bit her lip, nodded and quietly got down from his car. Then just before he reversed to drive off, she turned around and waved, still bright eyed.

Oh God! Shoot me now, she thought. This was definitely the embarassment of the century. She had put herself out there for the first time in her life and she had gotten shut down, Shut down by not just anyone but by Jide who claimed to have loved her. It was a rowdy evening and as she made her way to her stop, people looked at her bright face which she was sure was now pink from embarrassment and from trying real hard not to cry.

 

Jide had been her almost love, but she goofed before he could get her there; 'in love'. There was something between them, undeniably so as all Isioma's friends knew but she kept it temperate, struggled to keep it under control because for some reason she felt she didnt have all of him and for that, it was impossible to give all of her and impossible to explain why a part of her held back to her friends.The most outlandish of them being Nma, who felt she knew it all about love. Nma had gone as far as telling her boyfriend Ndubuisi that Alice was unromantic. It was a bit painful when Ndu as everyone fondly called him referred to her as unromantic at their last hangout. Haaaha! she throated, wherever did you get that? Me? Unromantic? C'mon, ask Nma now i';m the very epitome of blue and in love".She turned to Nma to get her concurrence but from the way she shifted her eyes and sucked on her straw,Isioma knew she had done it again. Rattled on about her to her boy friend.

Nma was one of those friends that couldn't keep their mouth shut about their friends whenever they had a boyfriend. She told it all and one had to remind her not to spill their secret with each boyfriend she took on.Isioma smiled and said, "Well, whatever, love is a farce anyway" and i'm done with it...For now" she added and winked at no one in paricular.

 

She settled into her bus and thought to herself, she deserved the attitude Jide just gave her. She deserved every bit of it. Once again she had tested a love proclamation to her and it  had failed,it was sad, but it was true, So far, love has not endured for her. Why wait? Why bother? And then she thought about the young men whose love she had spurned in the past and re-affirmed again,'Oh!I absolutely deserved that'.And she shrugged it off and paid her fare without a word to the conductor even when he asked her in Yoruba "Elo ni?"for how many? The guy sitting close to the window looked at her and on closer look, he knew she was in no mood to talk, so he said to the conductor, "one, Four Hundred naira change". It would have been difficult to take a bus in Lagos if one did not understand basic Yoruba. The driver counted her change but instead of giving it to the helpful man who had volunterred what the money she paid was for, He streched his hands right across and smiled at Isioma and then gave her her change, making sure his meaty fingers grazed her palm and then he whistled back to the door, shut it and grinned from ear to ear.

 

The bus ricketed away from the park and she smiled to herself thinking "Promises mean nothing until they are kept". And then she made her own promise to herself and prayed she kept it. She made just one promise to herself but it encompassed a whole lot and she knew right away that if she could keep it, then she would have made the biggest forward step of her life. But then of course, that was only,'if she kept it..."

 

 

A new me

 

 

Dear Everyone,

 

Its been almost a year since i  wrote on my blog and for those who may have checked i apologise that it was hard to keep tabs on me.

 

I hope that from now on though i would make it easier for us to relate. This year has been a most tremendous one for me. If you don't know me, then you couldnt begin to guess on all the various changes. i have metamorphosed through. In these few months that i have been crass enough to abandaon you all, I have been busy making glasses and glasses of lemonades from the various lemons that life handed me. I finally feel that you may now congratulate me 'cos after all the various processing, my lemonade tastes great, all chilled in a beautiful glass cup and trust me, you love a drink from it. Please dont stare at my glass. lol...

 

I see the sun again and it is a beautiful one and i welcome to myself once again; my first love, "writing". Suffice it to say that i will be more present than most in the coming times.

 

But just to update, in the time that i have been away, i have grown into this lovely, young woman, Oh yes! young! haha! and i say that and laugh as i listen to the cool buzz of this air conditioner and smile at my beautiful glass of lemonade becos i look into the mirror and life hasnt been that tough on me, you know. Anyway, i have grown, i have learnt, i have moved around, i have shaken off baggages and i have made a new home for myself somewhere still grey even for me. Some may say, why moving unto grey areas? I say, why not? After all, the only way to demystify a sector in your life is by venturing into something different. I am venturing dears, i mean, what do i have to loose? Hmm? I have this feeling that it would be for the better and if not, there again, i would have learnt.

 

So tell me guys, what life changing thing has happened to you lately? What life changing event has occured for you as the year draws to an end.

 

I have missed writing, i have missed it so much that i had to make do with littering my room with little pieces of papers and post-its with various ideas and fun phrases. Lets hope i'm smart enough to remember it all and share it with you all.

 

Kisses... 

 

 

My Country

Today is not one of those that i feel like working. Actually, its really not one of the days that i feel like thinking or talking or feeling. Its one of those days when all i want to do is breathe, to focus on getting as much air as possible in and out of my lungs. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. But today, today all i want to do is breathe.

 

I am wearing the wrong vest underneath my jacket, it is the wrong vest becaue its is cream coloured and you can see right through it into my cream coloured Marks & Spencer bra. Concentrate on the fact that i highlighted the designer of my bra; my underwear, who no body really gives a care about. I did this just because i feel an innate need today to increase my self worth. I came to work with my neighbour as usual.Sitting right next to him as we sped past Lawanson and headed straight for the Island, we got into a discussion on my least favourite topic; my country; Nigeria.

 

The discussion centered around Affluence, The Nigerian government and Taxation. In his usual characteristic calm voice, he asks , "Onyi, if you were a Pastor, will you own a private jet?". Laughing out loud in my most no committal way i replied, "i don't know". A definite answer may have been easy to state for some people, but not for me. In my case, i have had the privilege of being on the good and not too good sides of life. I knew what it meant to be driven at the back of a taxi straight to work and back home and i knew the craziness of having to struggle for a bus to get to work and to get home in good enough time. It wasn't just the comfort of it, it was the filth around Mushin area of Lagos, the madness and recklessness at Oshodi, the filth and rudeness from conductors and commuters as a whole, the helplessness of squeezing into space that would cramp your back for a whole week and still having to keepcalm and maintain a serene front. I knew what it meant to want the finer things of life not because you feel the wealth was uncontainable but because, some place in your mind you feel that you have earned the right, to have those things.

 

My neighbour went on to explain the injustice of it, "Why should they own jets?" 'At the worst, they could charter a plane, but to buy a jet and maintain it at an unbelievable amount is the ultimate show of rude affluence".  What cut most about this was that these pastors amass wealth via the sweat of struggling people and the Nigerian government do not have that special knowledge to levy tax on this wealth. Is this me and everyone else who thinks same being jealous, i think not. What should be done must be done, after all, aren't we all equal anymore?

 

You make an income, not just peanuts, but a substantial chunk of money. It follows that you should give back to the society. Or what? Haven't they heard of "give Ceasar what belongs to Ceasar?" I once read that if your activities enables you derive an income in such a way as to constitute a trade or profession, then the profits are liable to tax. So you earn an income, why not pay tax? Why not contribute to the society instead of preach doomsday, doomsday, doomsday? I mean c'mon, even prostitutes pay tax in some countries. Yeah, i said so. Prostitutes pay tax, prostitutes pay tax in Germany, in Sweden, in Neatherland, those are the few i know. If those people could be taxed and even the lowliest of the society, why not u? Those prostitutes make an income and their profession is legal so they pay tax. If you amass billions every year from your church, it wont be asking too much that you give a fraction of it back to the society to improve it. You can't just preach this and that and show zilch committment to your state and country.

 

I am a Nigerian. I work for a Nigerian company. I have grown to love my work place but my least favorite topic still remains my country Nigeria. When i talk about my country and their too many issues, i feel helpless. I fail to understand why there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do which would revive Nigeria. I tell friends i'm apathetic to the political situation in Nigeria but the truth is that with each year that passes, i am older and the decadence in the country stares me right in the face and all i can do is turn the other way. Am i sick of this? Yes. Can i do something about it? Maybe. What can i do? I have no idea.

 

Friendship

Today is one of my good days of the week; Wednesday. There is really no particular reason why i have chosen this day as a good day but i know that Wednesday is always good day for me.

I am already at work feeling all bright despite the fact that the rain almost put a blur on my very bright day. So here i am reading an article written by my friend; Uzochukwu Odonwodo who i consider almost a competitor but who has so far been besting me in most things; the law, writing , reading, research, music, poetry, name it. So you can imagine the cause of my pensive mood and why my ever beautiful Wednesday is gradually waning. Uzo is one of those friends i attended the law school with and who always kept me on my toes. Talking to him was almost like chatting with the better side of me. He was one of those lawyers who was never stuffy and who never bore me. A liberal to the very core.

The best part of my day way back then was when i sat with him over his bottle of beer, i really can't remember his brand now but i strongly suspect it Star. So why he sipped his beer and i ate my very hot indomie in the very dark night, we had our fun gisting about all the books we have read in our life time. "Don't tell me you haven't read that Wole's book" he said, "Well, i really haven't" i piqued with my mouth blowing away all the steam from my hot plate of noodles and him trying to get in forkfuls after saying he wasn't interested. "I really do not think that Wole is as much of a genius as Achebe is" I said, "what he has going for him is that he is good, admittedly and then he is Yoruba"; a most influential tribe". When i say this, i know it has a tribalistic sound to it but that is honestly how i feel about it. Uzo loves Wole, he also loves Achebe, maybe because they are from the same tribe; Ibo, i wouldn't know what i however know is that for some reason, he can't seem to make up his mind on whom he loves most without feeling like he is disloyal to the other. I'm sure someday though he will.

Back to my fears, we were never in that unhealthy competition most friends indulge in, but he had his way of making me do my best, making want to be the best. Thinking back at those days makes me wonder whether i slacked off a bit when he decided to follow his dreams to Abuja. Makes me wonder whether i have been lazy, if i have slacked off so much that if i were to meet him tomorrow i would have no accomplishments to brag about, i wonder.

There were days back in Secondary School when each time i got into an exam hall, i picked out the best student in the class wherever she was, i did this with my eyes and then as i write, i ask myself, what else could there possibly be to this question and what could Chioma possibly be writing? Chioma wasn't a friend, she was just a competitor and she wasn't even aware of it. She gave me the drive i needed each time i got into any exam hall. We barley laughed together, all we did was sustain a conversation from time to time and move on. There are times i wonder what became of her, and then i remember, i read somewhere that she's married now, to a Yoruba guy in the states and then i wonder, did she fulfill all her dreams? Is she happy? Does she have any regrets?

I think about Uzo sometimes and i smile and smile, i smile at all our very lovely days back then. We did't date, it would have ruined the camaraderie we had. We did other things; we laughed, we had drinks together, we ate dinner, we listened to music, we talked about music, we talked about novels a whole lot, we saw movies together and patted each others back when exam wasn't so favorable. We had a great time.

Those days are gone. As the tide consistently changes in my life, i ask myself, what days am i in? Where will i eventually pitch my tent? Will i go on to do great things or will i just breeze through life without leaving a mark an imprint that 'i wuz ere'? And do you know that even as i write all this and tell you my fears, the clock keeps ticking...

Scared or happy?

I've been away for a while, a long while. I however do not feel the need to apologise to myself today. A lot has been going on with life and living lately. Frankly speaking, it feels somewhat like a year has gone by. I wish i know why i'm tired out all the time or feel like i'm just waking up from a dream and is forgetting certain details.

When things are  too right the dark side of me subconsciously waits for the other shoe to drop. I guess that's the stage i'm in right now. I've experienced indifference, concern, care, disbelief, excitement, love, , contentment, discontent, sadness, discourage, courage, strength, weakness, happiness all in one breath and in the space of so short a time it really feels like a year has gone by. Is the grass really greener on the other side? My honest answer will be, 'i really don't care anymore'. You are what you make of you and finally i have settled with content n learning to watch my life unravel itself right before my very eyes. Truth is, i have never really known how contribute much to it anyway.

I have a constant need to protect myself, to shield me from the very public eyes of other people. But let me do an expose today.*smiling now*(really dont know how to do much else when certain thoughts hit my mind). I always believed that after that one x-big love in one's  life they should settle for the second best that comes along and be content and think of other happy times with whatever  past big love if the present second best don't work out. I think i must have written this before, if not, then i must have talked about it with my friends a million times or havent i? *furrowing my brow all in a bid to remember). Well, suffice it to say that i believed wrong. Unusual things happen everyday, i can say that because they have happened around me, they have happened to me.


 Maybe i mentioned in a previous title that i was on the brink of a new love. Considered for a while if i should fall in before Cupid took the choice right out of my hands. The arrow must have sank in when i wasn't looking and i fell. I fell right into that pool of love and 'no', i am not struggling to get out. I am loving and savoring every moment of it and everyday i think to myself, it could only get better and not worse.  I say that like a mantra so that i do not forget and start waddling around like a duckling or moping around like a zombie and forget to enjoy and memorise all the great things that i love about him.


It's happiness from day to day and then, there are the days i just refuse to smile cause i can't help but think of how long it will last, how it will end, when it will end, if i will get hurt, if i will be ready for it and if i can be strong enough to pick good ol' me up and carry on like it was all nothing. There are days i dream and it's a beautiful dream and i'm laughing my head off and having a good hug and getting my hair all messed up and having the sun hit my face and hear the waves really loud even if i'm not close to an ocean.*weak smile*. And then, there are the days when i look into his eyes and i have a sad smile. "What are you smiling at dear?",he says, "At you", i respond weakly. I figure it's a good enough answer than saying, "Nothing". Those are the days when i know that even if i can't bear whatever hurt comes, i would still put on a sad smile but when asked what i'm smiling at, i will simply say, "Nothing", because by then, it really would be 'nothing', nothing but memories, sweet and beautiful ones. On the positive side, maybe it won't end anytime soon. I could place a bet on that and loose and yet again, I could place a bet on it and win. Such is life, we win some, we lose some.


If only we could look into the future and see what it holds for us, a lot of wrongs would have been made right. But hey, shake it off and have your great time while it lasts, as long as it lasts, i'm having my own good times now, I can only shake off my scared moments and pray it lasts a whole lot longer than i ever planned.


Pray with me.

Surprise

Hmm! "Surprise! Surprise!" That sound always leaves my heart mumbling out a faint "ooh ooh". Now don't get me wrong, it's not like i dont like surprises, i looove surprises. Especially when i know that the bearer of the surprise is by my standard, a reasonable mind. As much as i love surprises, i do not welcome all of them. This is to say that depending on the person in question, a surprise may be good thing about to happen or a disaster waiting to happen.

Let me give you an instance. I just logged into this blog site; my blog site, i felt i could just mope at it and pity myself at the lack of creativity, just to notice that there has been an upgrade of some sort which doesnt particularly indicate what exactly you want to do. It used to be 'new post' for when you want to post something new and now what you get is just a pen symbol;an orange pen.*rolling eyes*. How the heck am i supposed to know what that's for if not that i had initially glanced at some psychobabble they were writing before finally accessing my blog. It's no more the usual colourful display you see but just an assemble of grey, white and orange colours. What an odd combination. To tell you the truth, this is one of the reason why i stopped logging onto Facebook.

Facebook in the person of Mark Zuckerberg is constanly reinventing itself . I never knew that reinvention could be so irritating until i noticed that i log unto Facebook at all times with grave apprehension wondering what will change. I wonder with each click whether i can still be able to locate 'Remove friend',for nut heads i want to wipe off my list or 'untag' myself from a totally disgusting picture or just delete some crappy comment on my post. With each surprise i got when i logged on, i reduced my visits, until presently, i hardly even log on anymore. That's how messed up a surprise can be.

Dude shows up and you are all smiles cause you can vouch for him and whatever he has in stock for you can't be that bad. Some other dude shows up and you have to restrain yourself from saying, "Can you keep it a while, cause as you can see, I'm kinda on my way out". That's how different surprises can go.

Anyway, there are few times i have ever been pleasantly surprised. I hope that if you are also in the shoes of those of us with phobia for surprises, this year will be different and we will all have a multiplication of pleasant surprises in my life this year. Who knows, i may even surprise myself. Will let you know. *wink* 

Dang! I'm running out of steam. Its been a better morning than it has been for a while. Would love it more if i weren't so cold. 

Have fun y'all...